asking myself why I exist, how and what I can do to make my existence helpful for the people around me and the world, how can I make the world better and how I can make myself a better version, live a full and non time-wasting every day passes by with just myself alone, why I am happy, how can I make me happy and what I should do in order to keep me happy.
I was 13 at the time, just 2 years after from the day my dad passed away.
Depression has been following me for more than 10 years.
I remember I spent that whole year meeting no one, I had no friends, did non of the outside school activities, nothing but these things: asking myself why I exist, how and what I can do to make my existence helpful for the people around me and the world, how can I make the world better and how I can make myself a better version, live a full and non time-wasting every day passes by with just myself alone, why I am happy, how can I make me happy and what I should do in order to keep me happy.
I read books, all kind of books, I talked to myself about the topics in the books, real discussion in monologue. I observed things around me at school, why people did things the way they did and how they felt afterwards, I was a weirdo in the eyes of everyone I believe so. But I didn’t care, I kept doing what I was doing and I learned some big lessons:
Knowing that life is uncontrollable, your environment is not going to be changed by your expectations but your choice of decision to change or stay in the same place.
My childhood shapes me who I am today, I was living in a shithole but I would not feel ashamed of it but feel proud instead. I had great support from my family and friends, and they gave me strength to overcome adversities.
Accept that I can not change anyone unless they change for themselves. That the acceptance of nothing is certain and the best way to live this life is to know when you need to change your environment, when you have to adapt in order to survive, which is a part of evolution, and know that happiness is when you have your freedom, but in the end, you still have a home to come back.
Accept the same fact that no one can change me but myself.
I learned that mistakes are there to made, then be learnt to not repeat them twice.
Be brave enough to step out of your comfort zone to make at least some of “break-the-rule" kind of shits and be responsible for its consequences in order to grow. Try to choose the ones that cause least consequences though lol. If there is something too hard for you to do, you have others around you to help, that is also a lesson. You get nothing done by yourself, great things only happened when the great minds know how to compromise.
And to be happy, you have to love yourself first, know when to follow your heart and when to consider your logical thoughts with experiences you have encountered in the past to make a happy decision not just for you, but for everyone too. People might say you are stupid, but you know that those who call you stupid for chasing your dream, they don’t have either a heart or a dream to chase after. And that is pretty sad.
Always respect the differences in everyone, because you are not always right. You are always wrong actually when you have opinions over things. You think it’s a 9 surely, surprisingly to stand in the other end of 9, it’s a 6.
Social perception about you is not what you can control, but always know actions speak louder than anything. Just keep on doing what is good for you that makes the society better. People will misunderstand you, but in the end, the one who cares and knows who you really are would never get you wrong. Actions drive results. Results will reward right judgment from the right people.
And one last thing, honesty goes a long way, with right timing.
To sum it up if TL;TR: Just give no fuck of what people FEEL and THINK about you and live your life, don’t forget to be honest with yourself and always accept yourself for who you truly are. Knowing you are your own competitor, also, don't rely too much on yourself, seek for helps if need to, don't trust easily, love with your heart, care with your brain.